| So its become clear that I go about my words wrong. I absolutely love being with Corwin, I love being around him, I love tha warm feeling I get when we go to sleep. I love tha little "will you scratch my head", as much as I hate it. I think I know now why my insecurities are running so high, theres no promise. He doesn't believe in forever.. neither do I, or I thought I didn't. There are times where I sit & hope I'm always going to be what he wants, I never want to not be with him, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't need me. Thats good, of course.. but maybe its just who I am, I love to be wanted && adored, I love being loved && cared about. Not saying he doesn't love me, cause thats dead wrong. Hes always going out of his way to do little things that aren't necessary, but he knows I love them. So I can't say that at all, for our 4months (which is a totally not important anniversary), he got me a stone heart. Touched like you couldn't believe, didn't expect or ever think he would. Changed my mind right quick didn't I? Yea, I did. After believing he would cheat on me, having severe trust issues I never even knew I had, being jealous over little things.. just opened my eyes to say "this dude fuckin loves me" without a doubt or question. WHY would he be around for all this stupid shit if he didn't? He would of broke up with me month 2, if he truly didn't. August, month 3, sucked ass.. we were always drinking, always bickering && fighting, August was absolutely awful. I have nothing good to say about August 08. Other than, tha good times with Corwin, outshine most. See, I can't stop thinking about tha future, tha near future as soon as tomorrow, a little bit further like a couple months, than i even jump a few years ahead. Every time I do, I hope to be with Corwin. I hope to graduate from school && be successful is my second thought, but love has always been number one. I don't just hope for me to have complete peace. I hope for me && Corwin to have complete peace, together && with tha world. I want to grow && be with him. For my loves sake, as well as his. So that is me. Love Is Everything To Me Always Will Be, A Very Big Part Of My Happiness Is Being Loved && Giving Love. So maybe I'm not so dependent after all.. maybe its just how I am && how I'm supposed to be. Corwin will love me for me if he will. && I will try to love him with all I've got. So now I'm back-tracking where I went wrong to begin with, A Relationship Starts With Trust.. I don't trust anybody, but I'm going to try my hardest to open up && know he loves me && wouldn't do a god damn thing to ever corrupt or hurt me, on purpose. On purpose is where it hurts, my biggest fear isn't him cheating on me, its him falling in love with somebody else. Meeting somebody who makes him a better person then I ever could. I don't ever want that. Which is why I need to stop worrying so much like its happening. Its not && I don't think it will. You don't just say "I love you", spend all your free time (as well as not so much free time) with somebody that you don't care about. Hes always around, hes never shady, hes always there for me, he upsets me sometimes with little things.. but little things are always going to come up. Its time to grow up, I tell myself that every day. Dwelling on little bullshit like I'm 6 all over again. I'm seriously done. I can't sabotage something as beautiful as what we have. Tha greatness, tha positively good feeling, tha love, couldn't give it up.. or ruin it. It's not time to grow up today, it's time to realize. Time to realize hes not out to get me, or hurt me, or make me believe something thats not true. Its not "does he think about me? does he love me?" anymore. It's where it should be. I can't sit && dwell && wonder what will happen. WHILE I'm doing that, I'm ruining tha present.. whats going on in front of me. Thinking so hard about where we might be, is effecting us more than I could see. Tha future is tha future. Tha past is tha past. Can't change tha past, but you can work in tha present for a better future. They all go hand in hand. Well this update is long. I'm tired. Corwin's still doing homework. Wish Me Luck. Starting over from scratch is hard.. but it'll be worth it in tha long run. Goodnight folks.
I Love Youuuuuuu<3
~Miss PattyCakeS :)
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